Is it the Sting of Loneliness or Death?

So to totally understand what I'm writing about, you need to know what's going through my mind and how I got here. It started pretty simply when I woke up to my screensaver, which has pictures and videos of Alyssa, her family, and I (yes I know I should change it, but I lack the strength and the heart). I watched it for a while, then went into my internet and a really cute love song was up on youtube, so I clicked the play button. So all of that to say, I'm really lonely and I miss her a lot. I watched memories go by that I wish could have lasted forever (for those of you who've heard the whole story, as I can't remember if it's been posted or not, they were ironically all pictures from prior to or really shortly after our first kiss).

As I sat here and watched, I realised that these were probably some of the best times in my life and I honestly believed they would last for my whole life. But as I sit here and try not to cry, I remember how it went and how we (which really means I) messed it up and lost it all. I know life will go on and I know God has plans for my life, but still I find myself missing her and the times we had. With the upcoming circumstances, I wonder if it's me just being lonely after a breakup or if it's feeling the death of one of my best friendships and relationships, on top of knowing I'll probably never see her again. What are the upcoming circumstances? Allow me to explain.

I'm pretty much without a friend in the city of Calgary, not because of what happened between Alyssa and I, though. She's trying to move to Caronport, and as such she won't be back to this city anytime soon, much less while I'm here. I don't know if I'll get the chance to visit my Caronport friends anytime soon, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't see Alyssa. It just works that way, you can stay for a week and still not see everyone, plus she'd be working. And perhaps, I'll make it down for their grad. Ironically, that's the same time Alyssa plans to go back to Taiwan. She's going to back and help her father with the school. I'm sure it will be a fantastic experience and for sure will be amazing for her. My plans either take me to Briercrest for three years starting this fall or they take me into the world of mountain guiding. However it works out is up to God, but between her going to Taiwan and me going to God knows where (literally and truly), the chances of ever seeing her are nil.

I'm having an exceptionally hard time dealing with this. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all; though, my own mistakes have brought it about. If you're reading this, I'd ask that you pray for me through this tough time. And learn from my mistakes!! Don't make them yourself and suffer through a time of pain like this. To all of my friends, I love you dearly. God bless you all.

Catching Up

It's been well over a month since I've written my last blog entry (Oops). So what haven't I shared recently? Not a whole lot, I suppose. Life has been a riot, sort of. Riots are violent and full of angry people and frustrated police officers. Frustration, anger, and violent thoughts have all been a part of my last month plus. Especially since I got back from my "vacation" cruise. I want to clarify this because I never have, but if I finally get the chance to have the conversations I'm planning to, I'd like this to be known. My family takes a lot of trips to a lot of different places; I don't even have time to count how many countries I've been to. For me these trips are never vacations. A vacation is a full out break, it's time off spent relaxing. That's not sleeping and laying around doing nothing; that's hanging out with friends, chilling at the mall, watching a movie, or visiting friends and places that feel like home. Going to Caronport is a vacation, going to Mexico is a trip. All of that clarifying to say that my trip was not a vacation. So here's the deal with my trip. It was a cruise that left from Panama. We went to Cartagena and Santa Marta in Colombia, Curacao, Aruba, and Bon Aire. Lots of fun, a little bit of shopping and some great diving in Bon Aire.

Anyways, I'm back. I haven't felt right for a while now, I'm not sure when it started, but I noticed it in full force sometime after I got back. I figured lots of cold water and a hug would set it straight. Maybe it would have, but that's not going to fix it now. That's another story for another time. But I've had this deep-seated wrongness (for lack of a more appropriate term) in my soul since I've returned. I'm trusting God will set me straight and fix this.

Life hasn't been all doom and gloom to borrow the colloquialism. I've had one exceptional adventure. I was at a young adults group (Tehillah Monday, check it out) for the first and perhaps only time. I got to talk to Angie, with whom I was not on good terms with. All I asked was that she would remember me in her prayers. She said she would of course, and that I was loved. I think that was one of the best hugs I've ever had in my whole life.

Anyways, I think that catches all of the important points that I wanted to share this time. I'll write again really soon.