The Last One

Hello to anyone who actually reads this. As the title suggests, this is my last blog entry. From this point on, I'll probably only look back to remember anything I feel like in later years. This blog was created for me to vent and share my road to recovery while I dealt with moving on from Alyssa, which it has done quite sucessfully for the most part. However, with advice from a friend working in administrations, I've been advised to be careful of what I post. A lot of what I'd like to post doesn't fall into the category of something that a potential employer should see about me. So what good is a forum to share on if I can't share honestly?

I'd like to post my story from beginning to end, straight up with no bullshit, but lots of it falls into that category of what shouldn't be posted online. SO I'm going to take the tough, scary way out instead of the chicken way. IF you want to know my whole life story, straight up with no bull, email me or facebook me. k1quizzer@hotmail.com is my main email address. Here's the warning: I've lived a very full, very colorful life I suppose is how to say it. My story will most likely change what you think about me and if everyone were to hear/read it, most would never speak to me again. It is straight up rated R, which stands for two things. Restricted, as it contains sexual immorality, mature subject matter, and extreme situations. However, it also stands for Redeemed. God has bought me at a price no matter my failures and short shiftings, and my life has value to Him (which is really hard to wrap your head around). I am not where I should be, but many are the witnesses, that by the grace of God, I am now where I used to be." I've never told this full story ever to anyone, so you'll forgive me if I send a written copy instead of telling it in person.

Finally, thank you to all of my friends who have supported me and loved me and treated me like family. I'd like to single out people and get into specifics, but I don't have time or space to list them all (plus I'd leave out too many people). I love you all and I'm sorry to hide my life from you. Thank you for sharing yours with me. I continue to emplore you to call me out if I need it. Especially with my addictions, call me on it. If I'm being a jerk, call me on it. If I'm swearing, call me on it. If I'm unreasonably suicidal, call me on it. Whatever it is, call me on it. I might very well get pissed off, but call me on it anyway. Either do it to piss me off or do it because you love me enough to make me angry.

Thank you for being a part of my life and for taking the time to read my blog. I love you all. If there's anything you can learn from my blogging experience, let it be this: God always loves and there is always hope. God bless you, every one.

Of Closing Books and Moving On

Hey Everyone. My life has been taking some interesting turns. I've recently been fired and been arrested and drank a pot of coffee (which is why I'm still up to type this). It's been a really crappy time actually. But wait, there's more. It hasn't been all bad to be sure, but it seems to be the bad that sticks out. So here's where I'm at.

I'm struggling with my pornography addiction. With a broken computer and an overactive imagination, accountability is a little lacking in my life. This is a call to anyone who actually reads this. CALL ME OUT! Ask me, "How are you doing?" Ask about my addiction, ask about my struggles. I don't care if it's out in public amongst the 6 billion people on the planet. I hate that I struggle with it and if that's the only place you'll see me, then ask me there. Okay, enough ranting.

I want to tell you how much two people frustrate me in my life (I love saying things this way because I know some people are going, "Oh yeah, it's Alyssa because they aren't together" or "It's so and so for whatever reason"). JACEE PHELPS and KENDRA JAARSMA! You two frustrate me to no end and it drives me nuts sometimes. You ask the tough questions and always seem to point out that there's more to my life than what I'm focusing on! Blah, I should expect the inevitable question, "So aside from that, what's going on in your life?" but it always catches me off gaurd! Thank you for making me quit dwelling. I love all of my friends, not just these two, but I wanted to give them a special shout because they always step in and say, "What about that?" when everyone is arguing with me about "this". Thank you!

I lost my job last weekend. Between a broken glass in the ice well and an elusive bottle of wine, Todd (my manager) decided I was done at the restaurant. Not what I'd like, but I have to live with it. We parted on good terms at least (always a bonus). So what am I up to now? Relaxing and getting things done in Kindersley. That's right, "Son take a good look around, this is your hometown." My hometown. Great song by the way, if you like that kind of music (Bruce Springsteen).

I'm hoping to either work at camp or work on a road crew for the summer. Ministry or money for school...it's a tough choice, but I don't plan on making it on my own. I'm leaving it in God's hands. It's not my life anymore, I was bought at a price. I'm not taking as good care of it as I could, but I'm working on it. Bill Latrice (wonderful man) told me, "Develop God's character in your life, location and vocation will follow." I believe that is true and it's where I'm hoping to get. Right now I'm looking at automotive mechanics, guiding or possibily a degree from Briercrest/Eston College, and maybe Lifeforce. I don't know. Guys and girls, keep me in your prayers because I'm trying to make choices that are too big for me.

As for my arrest? I was handcuffed and put in the back of a police car for "Impaired Driving" except that I hadn't been drinking. The unfortunate thing is that the officer who pulled me over and stuck to his "You must be drunk" philosophy didn't stick around to see my name cleared. Sorry, but I'm not stupid and I'm not about to drive drunk. It just doesn't fly with me. Oh well, that's the story of how I was arrested.

So I'm going to talk really briefly about the "this" in my life, after all that's where the title came from. Alyssa is headed back to Taiwan, I've lost all of my friends within the family, and dwelling on the good times just gets me caught off gaurd by others. I'm finishing things up, tying up the loose ends if you will, and getting ready to close this book of my life. Usually I refer to life as a book and the chapter ending, but I think this is a book ending. Like so many good books, I'm sure I'll look back and want to reopen it, but I know it will never happen. I doubt if there is an epilogue to this book, but it's up to God to write. For me, it's really hard to have an ending or a goodbye (ask just about anyone, I loathe change that involves an ending), but I think it's time. I'm sure that when I close the book, I'll probably never hear from or see the Chambers family again. Friends, prayers for strength would be greatly appreciated. Now I'm praying that God opens a new book for my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I love you all. Feel free to comment, message me on Facebook or email me k1quizzer@hotmail.com. God bless you all and keep feeding the fire.

Is it the Sting of Loneliness or Death?

So to totally understand what I'm writing about, you need to know what's going through my mind and how I got here. It started pretty simply when I woke up to my screensaver, which has pictures and videos of Alyssa, her family, and I (yes I know I should change it, but I lack the strength and the heart). I watched it for a while, then went into my internet and a really cute love song was up on youtube, so I clicked the play button. So all of that to say, I'm really lonely and I miss her a lot. I watched memories go by that I wish could have lasted forever (for those of you who've heard the whole story, as I can't remember if it's been posted or not, they were ironically all pictures from prior to or really shortly after our first kiss).

As I sat here and watched, I realised that these were probably some of the best times in my life and I honestly believed they would last for my whole life. But as I sit here and try not to cry, I remember how it went and how we (which really means I) messed it up and lost it all. I know life will go on and I know God has plans for my life, but still I find myself missing her and the times we had. With the upcoming circumstances, I wonder if it's me just being lonely after a breakup or if it's feeling the death of one of my best friendships and relationships, on top of knowing I'll probably never see her again. What are the upcoming circumstances? Allow me to explain.

I'm pretty much without a friend in the city of Calgary, not because of what happened between Alyssa and I, though. She's trying to move to Caronport, and as such she won't be back to this city anytime soon, much less while I'm here. I don't know if I'll get the chance to visit my Caronport friends anytime soon, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't see Alyssa. It just works that way, you can stay for a week and still not see everyone, plus she'd be working. And perhaps, I'll make it down for their grad. Ironically, that's the same time Alyssa plans to go back to Taiwan. She's going to back and help her father with the school. I'm sure it will be a fantastic experience and for sure will be amazing for her. My plans either take me to Briercrest for three years starting this fall or they take me into the world of mountain guiding. However it works out is up to God, but between her going to Taiwan and me going to God knows where (literally and truly), the chances of ever seeing her are nil.

I'm having an exceptionally hard time dealing with this. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all; though, my own mistakes have brought it about. If you're reading this, I'd ask that you pray for me through this tough time. And learn from my mistakes!! Don't make them yourself and suffer through a time of pain like this. To all of my friends, I love you dearly. God bless you all.

Catching Up

It's been well over a month since I've written my last blog entry (Oops). So what haven't I shared recently? Not a whole lot, I suppose. Life has been a riot, sort of. Riots are violent and full of angry people and frustrated police officers. Frustration, anger, and violent thoughts have all been a part of my last month plus. Especially since I got back from my "vacation" cruise. I want to clarify this because I never have, but if I finally get the chance to have the conversations I'm planning to, I'd like this to be known. My family takes a lot of trips to a lot of different places; I don't even have time to count how many countries I've been to. For me these trips are never vacations. A vacation is a full out break, it's time off spent relaxing. That's not sleeping and laying around doing nothing; that's hanging out with friends, chilling at the mall, watching a movie, or visiting friends and places that feel like home. Going to Caronport is a vacation, going to Mexico is a trip. All of that clarifying to say that my trip was not a vacation. So here's the deal with my trip. It was a cruise that left from Panama. We went to Cartagena and Santa Marta in Colombia, Curacao, Aruba, and Bon Aire. Lots of fun, a little bit of shopping and some great diving in Bon Aire.

Anyways, I'm back. I haven't felt right for a while now, I'm not sure when it started, but I noticed it in full force sometime after I got back. I figured lots of cold water and a hug would set it straight. Maybe it would have, but that's not going to fix it now. That's another story for another time. But I've had this deep-seated wrongness (for lack of a more appropriate term) in my soul since I've returned. I'm trusting God will set me straight and fix this.

Life hasn't been all doom and gloom to borrow the colloquialism. I've had one exceptional adventure. I was at a young adults group (Tehillah Monday, check it out) for the first and perhaps only time. I got to talk to Angie, with whom I was not on good terms with. All I asked was that she would remember me in her prayers. She said she would of course, and that I was loved. I think that was one of the best hugs I've ever had in my whole life.

Anyways, I think that catches all of the important points that I wanted to share this time. I'll write again really soon.

Roughest Day One Ever

So day one was a long time coming. It was supposed to be Wednesday, but the morning had already ruined that so I set it for Thursday. I noticed that I had set it for the wrong year, but before changing it, there was an ad, and long story short, it became Friday. Friday had it's good points, one being I got a job. So now I'm going to make some money, except not as much as I need to. Great joys. I did get to hang out with Elan a bit, which was fun. After that though, it got pretty rough.

My mom and I were headed to my uncle's farm for the night, well maybe. She couldn't decide, but in the end we did. However, that's the end, in the middle were numorous fights about clothing and all sorts of stuff. No surprises there, but I was fed up with it. I was ready to go to Calgary even if I had to live in the van again. I'm still ready to go to Calgary, but I'll take my time and not live in the van. Besides, my aunt said she'd "kick (my) ass" if she ever heard of me living in the van in Calgary again. Gotta love Brenda. The drive up was a tense two hours, but oh well. It was all part of the package. Upon arriving though, I had some help for this great time: alcohol.

My uncle had some concoction of frutopia, some sort of 7-Up and vodka going. A bit later there was some wine and beer, but the vodka mixes stayed throughout the night. It was funny and a good time for the most part. It was great until about 5 am. At this point in time the alcohol had gotten to all of us, and some started going to bed and what not. One of the bad parts was that my cousin left his pepperoni lying there and I tried it. It was good and it was hot. I had a couple and long story short, went to bed pretty soon after. Big mistake.

Just shy of 5 sleeping hours (around 10 am), I was awakened by my mother for an 80th birthday party. No headache or anything, never is with me, but I usually don't drink enough to ever come close to having one. In reality, that was my second time being drunk at all. I hate it. One thing I did notice was a burning due to hot, spicy, greasy food...like pepperoni. I could taste the pepperoni in the back of my throat, so I know it wasn't an alcohol thing. I also felt a little nautious throughout the day, but I've been like that since I came back from Mexico (and it's quite common for me when I come back), so that might have been made worse by the alcohol, but it wasn't really alcohol caused. Oh, and triple helpings of shame for me, but that's a story for another time. The water dissappeared at our lunch though, and I wasn't the only one drinking it, that's for sure.

Oddly, it was my hardest day one ever and it had nothing to do with trying to break an addiction. I can honestly say, though, that the best part of my day was waking up the next morning and being able to say, "It's day two." As I'm falling asleep writing this, I'm excited to know that when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be day three although not without much temptation and divine intervention. God looked after me today, no question. The moral of the story? Who needs a moral, just don't do stupid things and for crying out loud, don't drink too much. 

Hacking Away the Weeds

Hello Everyone! Welcome back to normal life, now that the holidays are over. I've been away for quite some time, first to Moose Jaw for Christmas and then to Mazatlan, Mexico for New Years. So now I'm back and with no shortage of stuff to do. I'm looking for work, two jobs in fact. I'm trying to make money enough to take a mountaineering course. I need a deposit to secure my spot.

Now that I've neglected my email, facebook, and yes, my blog. I'm going to clean it up. It's been about two or three weeks since I've written anything. I'm cleaning up my overgrown inboxes and out-of-date notes. My purity counter is out of date. I backslid and failed. From there, I admit I gave up. It didn't matter anymore, I hadn't been strong enough. I haven't kept track of how many times I failed, but I'm going to pick myself up and try again.

So thanks for bearing with me while I hack away the weeds. Take care and God bless!

Second Chances

When you look back on life you can see a lot of things. Good times spent with friends, memories made with that special someone, and things you were glad to be rid of once (high school sounds like a winner). However, you'll also see tough times, endings to good things, and good times you wish you had appreciated more or at all (once again: high school sounds like a winner). There's guaranteed to be good and bad in your life and with both, some will be because of you and some won't. I bet that you'd find some things you really wanted to change, though.

You've probably heard the expression "I'd sell my soul..." or heard someone say, "I'd give my left arm for..." Whatever it may be that this person wants (new iPod, cell phone, big screen tv, new car, new house, good looking partner), there's no way they're going to actually cut off their arm for it. If you've ever seen the Saw movies, you've seen that people are usually not willing to give up part of themselves for  their life. Whether it be hands, eyes, a foot, or even just some extreme pain, they aren't willing to lose it for the sake of their life. Now if you put someone in a game or deathtrap that was going to for sure kill them and said to get out of it they just needed to give you their iPod or even their car, they would probably hand it to you before you could say, "Hello. I want to play a game."

So, with these things you'd like a do-over for, would you give your arm? Might feel like it, but I bet you'd have a hard time cutting it off for me. I've been thinking about this quite a bit of late. I messed up big. Lost all respect with a few people close enough to be family (even the one I called "Mom" because she was like a mother to me), broke the trust of all these people, and ruined what was the best part of my life all in one shot. Pretty talented, more painful. I've been asked never to be seen and to never go near their home ever again. Maybe you're catching on here, if not I'll lay it out for you: I screwed up BIG!

Now understand, I've done some stupid things that I'd love to change. When I was really little, I did awkward things in a bathroom at my babysitters with a boy. A long time later, I hurt people who were in relationships with me, always resulting in lost friends and respect from a lot of other people. One of the kickers in my life was that when I was 15 years old, I took advantage of an 11 year old girl. I would give a lot of things to change those and get a second chance at them; however, if I could only do over one thing in my life it would be the events that led up to my recent mistake. Well, essentially.

Would I cut off my arm? I don't think I could. Would I kill myself to make it right? Definetely. In fact, I've actually considered it. (I'm not going to kill myself, please don't call 911 and put me on suicide watch). Would I suffer extreme pain? Yes. So why don't I do one of these things for it? Simply, I know it won't make a difference. While some might want me dead, suicide isn't going to change what I've done or make everything better. There is no easy way out of things like this. Unfortunately, it's true and fortunately, I've come to terms with it. Now, that doesn't mean some things don't tempt me as pain-numbing, but rather that I know they won't solve my problem.

I once told Alyssa, "There is always hope." Well, it's true. Recently though, I've been as hopeless as anyone I've known. There's hope in God no matter what you've done. Is there hope that maybe things can work out with these people? Yes, granted it's a slim-to-none chance, but there is hope. So think about this for a little next time you're just looking for something to think on. What would you like to do over in your life? What would you be willing to give up to make it right? Are you willing to give yourself to God? He is the only one who can right the wrongs. When it's all said and done, remember there is always hope in Him.

Oh yeah, and remember that numbing the pain doesn't make it go away and it doesn't fix anything. In fact, it usually makes it worse. Suicide, whisky (or whiskey depending on which you drink or alcohol in general), cutting (or any method of self-injury), and isolation are NOT acceptable methods of dealing with your problems. They are pain-numbers not healers. Whether you like to believe it or not, God is the Great Healer. Only He can make it all better. So take care of yourself and be cautious about your choices.