Second Chances

When you look back on life you can see a lot of things. Good times spent with friends, memories made with that special someone, and things you were glad to be rid of once (high school sounds like a winner). However, you'll also see tough times, endings to good things, and good times you wish you had appreciated more or at all (once again: high school sounds like a winner). There's guaranteed to be good and bad in your life and with both, some will be because of you and some won't. I bet that you'd find some things you really wanted to change, though.

You've probably heard the expression "I'd sell my soul..." or heard someone say, "I'd give my left arm for..." Whatever it may be that this person wants (new iPod, cell phone, big screen tv, new car, new house, good looking partner), there's no way they're going to actually cut off their arm for it. If you've ever seen the Saw movies, you've seen that people are usually not willing to give up part of themselves for  their life. Whether it be hands, eyes, a foot, or even just some extreme pain, they aren't willing to lose it for the sake of their life. Now if you put someone in a game or deathtrap that was going to for sure kill them and said to get out of it they just needed to give you their iPod or even their car, they would probably hand it to you before you could say, "Hello. I want to play a game."

So, with these things you'd like a do-over for, would you give your arm? Might feel like it, but I bet you'd have a hard time cutting it off for me. I've been thinking about this quite a bit of late. I messed up big. Lost all respect with a few people close enough to be family (even the one I called "Mom" because she was like a mother to me), broke the trust of all these people, and ruined what was the best part of my life all in one shot. Pretty talented, more painful. I've been asked never to be seen and to never go near their home ever again. Maybe you're catching on here, if not I'll lay it out for you: I screwed up BIG!

Now understand, I've done some stupid things that I'd love to change. When I was really little, I did awkward things in a bathroom at my babysitters with a boy. A long time later, I hurt people who were in relationships with me, always resulting in lost friends and respect from a lot of other people. One of the kickers in my life was that when I was 15 years old, I took advantage of an 11 year old girl. I would give a lot of things to change those and get a second chance at them; however, if I could only do over one thing in my life it would be the events that led up to my recent mistake. Well, essentially.

Would I cut off my arm? I don't think I could. Would I kill myself to make it right? Definetely. In fact, I've actually considered it. (I'm not going to kill myself, please don't call 911 and put me on suicide watch). Would I suffer extreme pain? Yes. So why don't I do one of these things for it? Simply, I know it won't make a difference. While some might want me dead, suicide isn't going to change what I've done or make everything better. There is no easy way out of things like this. Unfortunately, it's true and fortunately, I've come to terms with it. Now, that doesn't mean some things don't tempt me as pain-numbing, but rather that I know they won't solve my problem.

I once told Alyssa, "There is always hope." Well, it's true. Recently though, I've been as hopeless as anyone I've known. There's hope in God no matter what you've done. Is there hope that maybe things can work out with these people? Yes, granted it's a slim-to-none chance, but there is hope. So think about this for a little next time you're just looking for something to think on. What would you like to do over in your life? What would you be willing to give up to make it right? Are you willing to give yourself to God? He is the only one who can right the wrongs. When it's all said and done, remember there is always hope in Him.

Oh yeah, and remember that numbing the pain doesn't make it go away and it doesn't fix anything. In fact, it usually makes it worse. Suicide, whisky (or whiskey depending on which you drink or alcohol in general), cutting (or any method of self-injury), and isolation are NOT acceptable methods of dealing with your problems. They are pain-numbers not healers. Whether you like to believe it or not, God is the Great Healer. Only He can make it all better. So take care of yourself and be cautious about your choices.