Confession Needing Accountability

I said this blog might get used for confessions (I was sneaky, I knew it would). I also said this blog might get used for accountability (I was snea...well, you get the idea). This idea really scares me because I'm being open and vulnerable. It was difficult with someone I loved and trusted with my life, but to be open and vulnerable with the entire internet population (like billions of people, give or take three farmers from Saskatchewan who may or may not have access on their farm) is way more difficult. So I'm going to be open with the world: I have a problem. My current accountability is not enough judging from my track record, so I'm opening myself up to you. DISCLAIMER: Not appropriate for children!

Here's the deal: my addiction is (wait for it...) pornography. Typical "guy" problem. Or is it? Yes it's fairly well known that 99.9% of the male population has used pornography or masterbated. It's a problem I talked to a pastor about once, yep he struggled too. Almost every guy you meet has had this problem (although, many may not see it as a problem). Hold the phone sports fans! Girls have this problem too. WHAT!?! A lot of guys don't know this, but it's true. Usually not to the same extent and not even close to the same percentage of girls struggle with it, but some do. 

So I'm admitting that I struggle with pornography. Here's how you are going to keep me accountable. First of all, for those who feel like writing me and inquiring into how my struggles are going my email is k1quizzer@hotmail.com and you are going to do just that if you want (totally optional as I cannot and will not try to force anything that actually takes your time). The other is for people not taking the optional route (and I'm forcing this upon  anyone who reads my blog). Simply, I'm going to post on my blog when I stumble and fall. It will help me, and thank you for those who actually take the time to know that I'm struggling. Until next time, guard your eyes.

P.S. Prayer is ALWAYS appreciated.

Tunnel Vision

When something goes wrong in life, I find that a lot of people tend to focus on just that one thing. Maybe it was a break up, maybe it was a close friend moving away, maybe it was a stroke, heart attack, or even a death (not yours obviously, well at least for the death). I usually do the same thing.

When I went to Caronport, I got to visit with a lot of friends and had a really good talk with one friend over "early" supper. She asked me how life was going, and I talked mostly about how I was dealing with the breakup. She tolerated me patiently (kudos Jacee), and then proceeded to ask how the rest of my life was going. We talked about plans for the winter, plans for work, possibilities, and I don't even remember all of what else. What I realised at the end of it was the most important part though.

Tunnel vision is a condition in which your eyes focus on one thing and lose their peripheral vision. It's particularly common when fatigued. Through flying this summer, I learned this can actually be a deadly condition. When talking about flying, the problem is usually the pilot focusing on the sky and ground ahead of him or on just one instrument. With a main hub of six instruments for flight and another six for your engine (in a small plane), focusing on none or only one becomes obviously dangerous.

What I came to realise was that tunnel vision can affect the mind too. Too often we let ourselves get stuck on just one thing, usually something gone wrong. This time for me it was a break up. Jacee helped me to see that my life doesn't stop there and that isn't all there is to my life. I've got LOTS more. I can't just stop dead, but I have to keep moving forward. I can't get tied up because when tunnel vision sets in, I'm setting myself up for a fatal spiral dive. So keep your mind sharp and don't get hung up when it counts. Fight the tunnel vision.

Good times and bad times are both past times

I was talking to a friend yesterday that I haven't talked to in probably three months. We talked about missing good times. I thought about all of the good times I had ever missed. There were only a few main times that I really really missed. Quizzing and youth group around eighth grade with some really special friends when I was super on fire, Street Invaders when I was really on fire and made some tight friends that were like family, when I was dating Michelle and when I was waiting for Clarissa (not because those two girls made my life fantastically wonderful, but because I was tight with friends during that time; don't get me wrong, they were fantastically wonderful girls, but...maybe someone should buy me a shovel for Christmas as I seem to be good at digging holes), my first Christmas musical when I used to have sweet talks with friends, flying when I got tight with some friends, and Tour Choir with friends and good times (surprise surprise).

The common variable with all of these things was never really clear to me until after I finished talking to my friend last night. They all involve my friends and good times or good music or both, but mainly the friends. Friends are where it has always been at for me, and lots of people could tell you that. By the way, the common variable really doesn't have anything to do with anything, but it was a new discovery for me so I shared it.

I also have somethings I'd really rather never happened at all and never happened again. I'll save the details, embarresment, and your time. What I realised was this: whether it was something that made your day/week/year or something that left deep, infected scars in your life; whether you wish for it to happen again or to never happen ever ever ever again; whether it was a good time or a bad time, it is and will always be in the past. Doesn't really make you feel better to realise your life is now 18 years over and you can never get that time back, but once you realise that you begin to understand that you have to cherish the moment and not waste one second.

So here is my challenge to you and to myself: don't just breathe; LIVE! Seize the day. Carpe Diem. Enjoy life and live without regrets.

Lance

Is there really life after love?

I recently broke up with my girlfriend, Alyssa. Our facebook status changed before we actually managed to break up and we got a mixture of reactions. Some friends told me I was crazy because of the reasons, others said they were supportive if that's the way God was leading us. It was a mutual breakup, well at least as mutual as two people who don't want to break up can be. I honestly believed (and still do believe) that she's the one God has for me. It's actually an amazing story (I think), but maybe I'll save it for later.

We broke up because we both have issues in our lives that we need to deal with. In my mind, the purpose behind dating or courting or whatever title you come up with (I think I'll write on titles sometime) is to get to know someone better before you marry them or to find out before engagement that this person wasn't the one for you. That being said, most of my relationships didn't come into being with this mindset, but that's a story for another time. To have a whole, healthy, and happy marriage it's best to start with as much on your side as possible. For us, we both need to be whole healthy people to make our marriage the same way. To be one flesh, you first need to be one person. Contrary to what we see on tv and movies, we don't become one by being added to our "better half". You have to start with a two wholes to make a whole marriage. Strangely enough, we both want a whole, healthy, AND happy marriage (who'd have thunk it?), but neither of us are whole or healthy people. We have issues cut very deep into our lives, and we can't deal with them together. That's why we broke up.

Cher wrote a song called "Believe". You know the song (everyone does): "Do you believe in live after love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don't think you're strong enough. Oh." Well, I don't know if I'm strong enough. After we finally said goodbye (which was about two and a half ours of straight crying), I drove to Canmore (another hour of straight crying) and finally managed to stop my tears about the time I got there. I went into my room, got ready for bed, and saw Teddy laying on my bed. Anyone who knows Teddy can probably figure out I started crying again. I cried myself to sleep that night. I woke up alone and broken hearted. I got dressed as I cried. I don't think I stopped crying until I got to the ski hill that day. I went up in a gondola with a bunch of people and I remember just sitting there wishing I could hold her and be held by her one last time. I skied for about four hours trying just to focus on skiing, but my skiing got sloppier and sloppier because she was all I could think about. Eventually, I quit trying to put her out of my mind and took the gondola down. I cried the whole way down, stopping only briefly to walk past the liftees on my way to the van. I cried the whole way back to Canmore and just wanted to be with her. I had late lunch at Subway and I had our usual: BLT. I walked past stores we had visited together when she was there with me. I bought the fudge we had when we were there together. Eventually, I left Canmore and drove to Calgary, crying (no surprises there). I thought I was cried out by the time I got back, but seeing Mrs. Chambers to drop some stuff off and say goodbye I discovered I was wrong. My night finished with drinking two liters of egg nog and eating two blocks of caramel, watching the new James Bond movie, and crying lots more.

Two days later, I'm all out of tears. Cried it all out. I had nothing to do today, so obviously I spent the evening watching "Open Season" (a movie we watched together), cuddling with Teddy, eating chocolate (which she loves), and wondering, "Is there really life after love?" I have hope though. Something her mom (and mine now) said to me when I said goodbye that day. She said, "Don't worry, life will come again." I know God is with me and in the end it will all be good. I loved her, and I believe one day we will be together again, but I can't count on that. For now, it's just me and God, and we have stuff to work out.

Lance

My First Blog

Dear Readers (whoever you are),

Welcome to my blog. This is my first blog that I created about 2 weeks ago. Since then healing and growing has taken on a new meaning, but first I have more introducing to do. This blog was created to help keep me accountable and make it easy to update people on what's going on in my life. It's an outlet for me as I get to share with people. I might use it as a way to confess something to lots of people or to say something I've been afraid to share (contrary to what some believe, I'm actually not strong or courageous) or I might just use it to share what's new in my life. It's going to be a general use blog and it'll probably be full of surprises for both you and me. With that being said, if anyone has questions, comments, concerns, titles, hate mail, or death threats (good old cadets) you can contact me at my email: k1quizzer@hotmail.com or on facebook. That being said, I think I've introduced all I can. I hope you enjoy.

Lance

P.S. I really don't want to hear your hate mail or death threats, but if you're going to send it to me, I'll deal with it. However, I am open to constructive criticism and would love to hear feed back if you have time and feel like sharing.